I'm a bellman at a hotel and about six months ago, I witnessed something that has been on repeat in my mind.
Simply put, a man came into the hotel, checked in, then walked back out to his car. He opened the door and looked at his child in the backseat, erasing the blank emotions from his face and replacing them with wide eyes, a large smile, and some happy chatter.
However, the second that he closed the car door to get back into his own seat in his car, those expressions had left his face as quickly as they came and he got into his own seat and drove away.
The dichotomy between his expressions is burned in my mind.
This experience wasn't all that profound. I believe it is the connotative meaning of this event that has left an impression.
We are actors. And I can't blame myself or anyone for being one. We have figurative masks and costumes that we don in certain company and for different occasions. For this father, he puts on a performance for his child so that he can help to control his child's image of him as a father and of life in general. We want our children to grow up believing that the world is exciting and happy. Innocence is important, and we want them to have it as long as they can.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Candy
If you had to pick one candy, and only one candy, to have for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
I like chocolate. And I like peanut butter. And I like it when they are together. But if I had to choose one candy, and only one candy, to have for the rest of my life, I would struggle really hard with the decision.
There are so many good candies out there! And I like certain candies at certain times, in certain places, and for their own special reasons! How could I pick just one???
I feel like you have to try enough candies to determine which kinds you like and which kinds you don't. And I know that you don't have to try all of the candies to be able to pick a favorite. But...
how are you supposed to make that kind of decision???
This is my problem with marriage. -____________-
Edit: I'm married! To someone that I have known for 6+ years. Turns out that I do like one kind of candy but I had to make sure by "trying" it for a long time before making my decision.
I like chocolate. And I like peanut butter. And I like it when they are together. But if I had to choose one candy, and only one candy, to have for the rest of my life, I would struggle really hard with the decision.
There are so many good candies out there! And I like certain candies at certain times, in certain places, and for their own special reasons! How could I pick just one???
I feel like you have to try enough candies to determine which kinds you like and which kinds you don't. And I know that you don't have to try all of the candies to be able to pick a favorite. But...
how are you supposed to make that kind of decision???
This is my problem with marriage. -____________-
Edit: I'm married! To someone that I have known for 6+ years. Turns out that I do like one kind of candy but I had to make sure by "trying" it for a long time before making my decision.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Sims Theory
Ya, I had that period in life where I thought video games were everything. That doesn't really have a lot to do with this post tho... but i'll tell you why it is relevant.
Have you ever played Sims??
If you have, you'll understand my point a lot quicker. If you haven't, here is the long and short:
Sims is a role playing game where you create a character and from there, you control them and their life. When you create the character, you create their personality by putting an exhaustive amount of experience points in certain areas; by doing so, you can determine if your character will be sloppy or neat, shy or outgoing, lazy or active, serious or playful, and grouchy or nice.
I don't necessarily want to upload a picture for better understanding so... I hope you get it.
To get to the point, I feel like this is how we have been created. Or at least that is my theory.
I have felt recently on this topic that everyone is human, and everyone is equal but in their own unique way. We are equal in that we have the same amount of "experience points" but unique in that we have them arranged in very different ways.
Me personally? I feel like i'm as neutral as you can get! A "jack of all trades and a master of none;" never try, never fail; never get too excited and never get too let down. That is me. And i'm aware of the blessing and curse that it is in my life. But to each his own.
*I have met people who seem to be good at everything and always have their shit together. These are the exceptions to my theory. So forget about them. It's just a theory anyway.*
Since i've had this idea, there have been other thoughts that have helped to solidify it in my mind as more of a belief than a theory.
First, and quite simply, I believe in a God that is fair. There are many things that are unfair in this life and believing that He is fair, and believing in this theory, is really the only way that I can believe in God.
It has been observed and said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. This idea lends to this theory because if you have all of your "experience points" in the genius category, then you are unable to place these points in the sanity column. Along these same lines is some extremely talented people that I know, who are really good at one thing, seem to have a harder time dealing with life in general. Perhaps this means that when too many points are put in the "talent" category, a sacrifice is made in the "ability to keep you shit together" column.
Have you ever played Sims??
If you have, you'll understand my point a lot quicker. If you haven't, here is the long and short:
Sims is a role playing game where you create a character and from there, you control them and their life. When you create the character, you create their personality by putting an exhaustive amount of experience points in certain areas; by doing so, you can determine if your character will be sloppy or neat, shy or outgoing, lazy or active, serious or playful, and grouchy or nice.
I don't necessarily want to upload a picture for better understanding so... I hope you get it.
To get to the point, I feel like this is how we have been created. Or at least that is my theory.
I have felt recently on this topic that everyone is human, and everyone is equal but in their own unique way. We are equal in that we have the same amount of "experience points" but unique in that we have them arranged in very different ways.
Me personally? I feel like i'm as neutral as you can get! A "jack of all trades and a master of none;" never try, never fail; never get too excited and never get too let down. That is me. And i'm aware of the blessing and curse that it is in my life. But to each his own.
*I have met people who seem to be good at everything and always have their shit together. These are the exceptions to my theory. So forget about them. It's just a theory anyway.*
Since i've had this idea, there have been other thoughts that have helped to solidify it in my mind as more of a belief than a theory.
First, and quite simply, I believe in a God that is fair. There are many things that are unfair in this life and believing that He is fair, and believing in this theory, is really the only way that I can believe in God.
It has been observed and said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. This idea lends to this theory because if you have all of your "experience points" in the genius category, then you are unable to place these points in the sanity column. Along these same lines is some extremely talented people that I know, who are really good at one thing, seem to have a harder time dealing with life in general. Perhaps this means that when too many points are put in the "talent" category, a sacrifice is made in the "ability to keep you shit together" column.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Probably just coincidence... but maybe not...
I had a lot of thoughts cross my mind as I noticed that the only flickering light in the chapel just happened to be right over my head.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Loved and lost
After my post "ABC," I had some further insight into my belief in God and my belief in love.
I asked a friend a question that has been asked many times before, "is it better to have loved and lost? Or to have never loved at all?" Almost immediately, she replied that she would rather have loved and lost... but she is a Mormon, shouldn't she believe the latter?
Here is my case:
2 Nephi 31:14
"...after ye have repented of your sins, and witnessed unto the Father that ye are willing to keep my commandments, by the baptism of water, and have received the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost, and can speak with a new tongue, yea, even with the tongue of angels, and after this should deny me, it would have been better for you that ye had not known me."
Im not going to pretend that this idea of mine is scripture, or correct by any means; more than anything, it was just an interesting thought I had. If you believe as I do (thanks again, Watsky) that God is love and love is all that we have, doesn't this scripture suggest that it is better to have never known love if you deny it?
Let me know, because I don't quite have my own answer to this question.
I asked a friend a question that has been asked many times before, "is it better to have loved and lost? Or to have never loved at all?" Almost immediately, she replied that she would rather have loved and lost... but she is a Mormon, shouldn't she believe the latter?
Here is my case:
2 Nephi 31:14
"...after ye have repented of your sins, and witnessed unto the Father that ye are willing to keep my commandments, by the baptism of water, and have received the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost, and can speak with a new tongue, yea, even with the tongue of angels, and after this should deny me, it would have been better for you that ye had not known me."
Im not going to pretend that this idea of mine is scripture, or correct by any means; more than anything, it was just an interesting thought I had. If you believe as I do (thanks again, Watsky) that God is love and love is all that we have, doesn't this scripture suggest that it is better to have never known love if you deny it?
Let me know, because I don't quite have my own answer to this question.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Dance
There are many social constructions based on gender: Little boys wear blue socks, little girls wear pink; Boys play football, girls dance; Men provide for the family and women take care of the family.
These social constructions aren't inherently bad but they can be very limiting.
I was raised by a father that loved baseball and who was likely eager to relive his "glory days" of baseball once he had a son. Being his only son, I felt the pressure. I wanted to be a baseball star but a combination between a lack of talent for the sport and the lack of drive (give me a break, I was barely in my teens) didn't allow for me to excel at the sport. All that I wanted to do was make my dad proud but every missed catch, fielding error, and strikeout took an emotional toll on me. One year, when asked if I was ready to start up baseball again, I spared myself the continued emotional abuse and killed my baseball career by saying "No."
I had no other hobbies other than baseball and my parents didn't push me to try anything else (can you blame them? I was a quitter!). Life went on but I never had (and still don't have) another hobby with which to identify myself.
As an example of how these social constructions have affected me, I'll tell you that my sisters were dancers. I loved watching them perform and a part of me wishes that I had the opportunity to dance! But that desire was something that I never felt fully comfortable about voicing. I'm at a point now where I am more comfortable and accepting of who I am and who I am not but back then, I wasn't about to put myself through the judgement that would come if I were to make that desire known! I was nowhere near that confidant.
I don't even know if I would be good at dancing, but I feel as though I wish I could have felt comfortable with taking the chance to find out. I could have tried, and things may have turned out just fine. But I feel as though this social construction based on gender that boys don't dance unless they are feminine is what kept me from pursuing dance as a hobby. In fact, it continues to keep me from doing so because I feel that in order to overcome the teasing and judgement that would ensue, I would have to ACTUALLY be good at dancing and... I don't know if I will be and I don't want to try and fail. I'm already not the most masculine of males and I wasn't about to promote this lack by telling my dad of all people that I wanted to dance. He would probably question my sexuality,
"Actually dad, I'm strait. And I want to dance." Why is this coexistence seen as strange?
As a similar but smaller example, i like purple and pink. That being the case, I have a few pink pencils, a pink knife, and a pink phone case. It is interesting to me that many times, when someone sees my phone, they ask, "is that yours?" with a raised eyebrow look. When I say yes, they almost can't believe it is true because my phone is pink.
And I'm a guy. And I'm not gay. And that is weird to them.
These social constructions aren't inherently bad but they can be very limiting.
I was raised by a father that loved baseball and who was likely eager to relive his "glory days" of baseball once he had a son. Being his only son, I felt the pressure. I wanted to be a baseball star but a combination between a lack of talent for the sport and the lack of drive (give me a break, I was barely in my teens) didn't allow for me to excel at the sport. All that I wanted to do was make my dad proud but every missed catch, fielding error, and strikeout took an emotional toll on me. One year, when asked if I was ready to start up baseball again, I spared myself the continued emotional abuse and killed my baseball career by saying "No."
I had no other hobbies other than baseball and my parents didn't push me to try anything else (can you blame them? I was a quitter!). Life went on but I never had (and still don't have) another hobby with which to identify myself.
As an example of how these social constructions have affected me, I'll tell you that my sisters were dancers. I loved watching them perform and a part of me wishes that I had the opportunity to dance! But that desire was something that I never felt fully comfortable about voicing. I'm at a point now where I am more comfortable and accepting of who I am and who I am not but back then, I wasn't about to put myself through the judgement that would come if I were to make that desire known! I was nowhere near that confidant.
I don't even know if I would be good at dancing, but I feel as though I wish I could have felt comfortable with taking the chance to find out. I could have tried, and things may have turned out just fine. But I feel as though this social construction based on gender that boys don't dance unless they are feminine is what kept me from pursuing dance as a hobby. In fact, it continues to keep me from doing so because I feel that in order to overcome the teasing and judgement that would ensue, I would have to ACTUALLY be good at dancing and... I don't know if I will be and I don't want to try and fail. I'm already not the most masculine of males and I wasn't about to promote this lack by telling my dad of all people that I wanted to dance. He would probably question my sexuality,
"Actually dad, I'm strait. And I want to dance." Why is this coexistence seen as strange?
As a similar but smaller example, i like purple and pink. That being the case, I have a few pink pencils, a pink knife, and a pink phone case. It is interesting to me that many times, when someone sees my phone, they ask, "is that yours?" with a raised eyebrow look. When I say yes, they almost can't believe it is true because my phone is pink.
And I'm a guy. And I'm not gay. And that is weird to them.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
ABC
I learn a lot because of George Watsky, a (currently) 30 year old white rapper and poet. It is not this demographic that inspires me but rather the way that he thinks and his use of language. Everyone uses language to communicate a message but Watsky is really good at it if you ask me. I made a discovery about my belief in God because him and the lyrics in a song called "Sarejavo." Not an entirely original phrase but he still deserves credit as it is because of him that I have had this epiphany. The lyrics go like this,
"God is love and love is all we have."
I've always felt like these lyrics were significant and I've felt "connected" to them. The other day, I inadvertently found out why.
I'm not one who necessarily likes math but I did learn a few things. If A=B and B=C than A=C right? I think that is how the formula goes. Both of these thoughts, the lyrics and the "equation" crossed my mind at similar times and I ended up plugging the lyrics into the equation. It looks something like this:
God=Love
Love=All that we have
And thus,
God=All that we have
That is pretty much it. I'm sure that i'm not alone in this, and i'm going out on a limb here (i'm being sarcastic, can you tell?), but i've always struggled understanding God. This helped. Thanks Watsky. You're the man.
"Sarajevo"- Live Version
"Sarajevo"-Album Version
"God is love and love is all we have."
I've always felt like these lyrics were significant and I've felt "connected" to them. The other day, I inadvertently found out why.
I'm not one who necessarily likes math but I did learn a few things. If A=B and B=C than A=C right? I think that is how the formula goes. Both of these thoughts, the lyrics and the "equation" crossed my mind at similar times and I ended up plugging the lyrics into the equation. It looks something like this:
God=Love
Love=All that we have
And thus,
God=All that we have
That is pretty much it. I'm sure that i'm not alone in this, and i'm going out on a limb here (i'm being sarcastic, can you tell?), but i've always struggled understanding God. This helped. Thanks Watsky. You're the man.
"Sarajevo"- Live Version
"Sarajevo"-Album Version
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